Tuesday, January 7, 2014

shining on

As long as I can remember I have written journals. I have filled notebooks about my self-reflections, my inner guidance, my feelings, etc. Last month after moving to the house I am now in, I perused the notebooks I had written in for the last three years, and I discovered something that has never been before in my life: In all the notebooks my writings were about classes to teach, articles to write, blogs to post, dresses to make, etc. In my thinking on these past three years I realize just how immersed I had been in trying to make money. I lived in an impoverished area where jobs were few and far between especially if you weren't born and raised there. I have never passed out so many resumes, filled out so many applications, and hunted the want ads for jobs. My "success" led me to a job where the managerial team and owners of the business treated employees atrociously. I had been warned about the owner before taking the job, but I didn't listen. I was determined to make money at any cost. And the cost was high. I felt depleted, wrung out, and spiritually absent. The only way I could survive that job was to turn my emotions off and think about the paycheck at the end of the week.

These three years taught me a lot about myself. They taught me what I was still willing to settle for and ignore my own longings. I thought I had given that up, but alas, I had not. So, what an amazing experience to teach me who I really am.

Because of all the tips I've picked up on this traveling through life, I am doing things differently now. I'm constantly looking at course corrections after an experience has shown me what I don't want. I am really, really clear about what I don't want, and therefore much clearer on what I do want. I've been collecting images to look at and meditate on first thing in the morning. I have reconnected with a lot of people that were healthy influences in my life, and I'm realizing how disconnected I had been from the world for those three years. No phone, no internet, no TV. Just sewing machines and fabric. I was home alone for most of my time, or there were men/boys that filled the house. I cultivated even more alone time when the testosterone levels got too high for me. What I have discovered is just how magnificent this three-year period has been for my self-discovery. I could not be on the path I'm on right now if I hadn't experienced it. I am so grateful for it all. I have fine-tuned my desires. I have wired myself to create more of the ease in life I know is mine. I feel the lushness of all that I haven't had: plush sheets/bedcovers/many pillows/ ample sleeping space and of course, so much more. Two bathrooms, for instance. Listening to music that fills me. Spiritual conversations that resonate with all parties. But mostly, what it really boils down to is something very, very simple. I choose love instead of fear. I choose love.

I wake in the morning grateful for the sweet room that's uncluttered, the living room where I can sit on a couch with nothing but a decorative pillow, a kitchen that has nothing but things necessary for food preparation, and a funny, loving dog. I am so grateful.

I love the neatness in the rooms, the stones, the plants, the crystals, and the charming ways in which they are displayed. I love the room to breathe, the ability to be myself and relax into that being.

I say all of this knowing and not knowing what is next. I know that whatever comes next is even better than what is now. I know that for certain. I feel it with everything that I am. For the first time in my life I can experience that being within me that's been aching to launch, the one who shines so brightly and fearlessly. I am homeward bound now. Still. I've always been homeward bound even when taking detour after detour. Each twist and turn created an opportunity for me to better know myself, and for that I am ever so grateful. These last three years were the most powerful, exciting, fun, and growing time of my life. I learned so much about me that I had not been willing to look at before, and now that I know myself better I choose better. I choose more. I choose to be in a community that has been waiting for me to show up. My tribe. My people. I know where they are, and that's where I'm heading. It's a place where my light will shine even brighter.


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