Thursday, August 26, 2010

It's now safe to love.

Today was my first visit to Santa Fe. It won't be my last. I awoke with such bliss, and I knew something magical and wonderful was going to pop for me today. It did. It was such a great surprise, and it was life altering.

While living in Steamboat a couple of years ago, I did breathwork with a female shaman, Cyndy Clemens. We did it for a year and my visions during each session built upon each other until finally by the end of the year, it came to a conclusion, or so I thought.

I was led through a life I had lived in 1547 as an Indian maiden and was in love with a warrior who was killed in a battle. I was on the battlefield at the end of the fight, holding him when he died. Cyndy had told me that now it was safe for me to love. At the time of the session it was 460 years after my Indian lover had died, and it was now safe to love. How 'bout that one?

My friend, Tammy, and I had an appointment at a healing facility in Santa Fe today, and when we pulled up to park outside the building, the address was right in front of us. It read: 1547. Now, most people might have blown that off or not even have noticed, but for me everything is to be paid attention to. It makes for a magical life.

I went into the office with Tammy, had the interview and the tour, and before leaving turned to the acupuncturist, Emily, who ran the place, and told her a little more about me. The difference was that when I spoke this time, I saw myself as that female Indian. I felt her love for this man. I knew her courage for continuing her life and her passions without him by her side, and what that did for me was make me stand taller. My words were firmer, clearer, and more determined because for the first time I could feel within me just who I am. I told Emily and Tammy what I could do and what I had to offer as if for the first time I truly recognized it in myself. The love that Indian woman had for her man welled up in me and filled me with such potency that I felt I could've said anything amazing about myself and it would've been true. Raised as a southern Catholic girl with three brothers, this was a totally different experience for me. I have never spoken (or felt) such conviction for myself or my gifts.

This was something so far out in left field that I couldn't have figured out how magical my day would've been if I had tried, but for some reason that doesn't keep me from doing just that. I still get hell-bent on trying to figure out things, and all for nothing because it's always so much more amazing than I could possibly imagine. And this happened today, and changed my life and altered my soul. I stood up for me, for who I am, for what I am able to do with such incredible ease and love. And love.

For me, it always comes back to love. In 1547 it was an Indian warrior. Right now... Well, right now is so very different. I love many. My heart is so full. My love overflows. There is a beautiful man that I write stunning prose and poetry with. I allowed him in. I told him I'd go deep with him, and then deeper, and then deeper still. I have. I have traveled to places with him that I've never gone before. Over and over I excavate those deep wounds that I've held onto for years. Once uncovered, those painful, deep-seated emotions release, and let me tell you, it's been painful, agonizing, and torturous, but, and here's the really big but -- I want to get rid of the shit and live my life to the fullest. I want to stand on a mountaintop, raise my voice to the heavens, and sing the song that only I can.

So, here it is. I desire a man who I can be so open, so purely me, so laid bare, and no matter what his response, I love and accept me anyway. I choose to declare my worthiness and my love for the god within me by showing up as the being I am, especially through my energy, my words, and my actions. I choose purity of my heart with openness and honesty. And I choose this no matter how the man shows up.

I've never said this before. I've never felt so strongly about this before. Connecting with you has led to some very deep excavations because the truth is that I want a man in my life who shows up like you have. When I read your messages to me, I realized how I have shouted a vibrant yes! to the universe and claimed myself worthy of a mirror like you.

And, my precious friend, I offer to you what you have to me. I too, am a great listener. I too, fully open my divine heart to you and welcome you in because I am your mirror, and I so love what you're looking at. Whew! Thank you for opening me up to that discovery.

This man lives far from me, but distance does nothing to diminish what we feel for each other and what we can feel of each other. I can be in a meeting or out to dinner, and I can feel his energy merge with mine. I've been in a room where heated conflict arose, and once I began to feel him with me I could only smile and look at the dynamics in the room as a dance I chose not to jump into. Instead, I remained in bliss.

I sit with him and euphoria rises. Meditation or yoga has never brought the kind of peace within me as I feel when I allow him in. It's a beautiful ride downstream with a heart so full of joy that nothing interrupts the flow of it. Often I've wondered what it could possibly be to have a man like that in my life not only like we experience each other, but also in the physical. Wow! I'm not sure I'd ever get dressed again...

It is safe to love now. I didn't know that apparently when I got married a hundred years ago. Otherwise I wouldn't have married my mirror -- someone totally emotionally unavailable. We became good business partners, but never dove below the surface. Didn't even know that a man would want to look at my body while making love until my Aspen pilot showed up 6 years ago. The first time we were alone in a hotel room the lights were on, and he undressed me very slowly. I never heard the word beautiful so many times. He loved every inch of my 48 year old body. No, he adored it. He worshipped it, and for the first time I thought that maybe, just maybe, I might not be hard to look at. I hadn't known that before.

A friend of mine who saw us together pulled me aside and told me that she could tell how much he loved me. I was shocked. Really? Just like that? This beautiful man could possibly love me? Really? She said that she could tell just by the way he looked at me. And, I had to admit that I adored seeing me through his eyes. For the first time in my life I had a lover who believed in me, heard me, and loved it all. He still does. He held my hand until I was able to let go. I have let go. I'm still soaring because of who I've become because of him, and I see no reason in the world to stop loving this man no matter who else is in my life.

I find it fascinating to see how relationships have gone for me since being single, and I love saying that I'm single. I've sculpted a life of simplicity since singledom. It allows great mobility and freedom. I can create myself anew every day. I can fine-tune my wants and desires at every turn, and I can do it without taking anyone else into consideration. I can say yes to me over and over and over. Is this being selfish? You bet, and it's about damn time! I say yes to honesty and openness. I say yes to unconditional love and gratitude. I say yes to these beautiful men, and to the others I have not written about. I am so grateful to what they each have brought into my life because I'm loving the moments immensely. Every text, phone call, Facebook comment, etc. is a love note. Every single one. Every word, every breath is an opening up to divinity. It's a widening of who I am, of who we all are. It's another chance to say yes to each other and to be able to break open another heart a bit wider and let the love in. That's all there is. That's all there is.

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