Monday, August 30, 2010

time to weep...

I keep thinking I'm going to run out of tears, but they keep flowing. When I least expect it, down my face they run as if they're in a race. I wonder how much weight I've lost from spilling out all these tears. I walk to Square Burger as if I'm under water, everything blurred by welled-up eyes. I don't know how to make it stop, and maybe it's not necessary. What if this is how it works to say good bye to so many people I love? Oh, my heart keeps breaking over and over and over. Just as it feels okay to breathe again, there goes another round of such deep grief that I feel as if I can't take another step.

Why can't I have everyone I love be with me? How can I move to Santa Fe and take part of McKinney with me? I don't want to live without Square Burger and Brandon. Thinking about being without him breaks my heart in two. When I was in Santa Fe last week I got a taste of what it's going to be like without my seat at the bar and my arms around him. I don't like how that feels. I don't want to live without him. The tears are flowing steadily right now. My dad died of a heart attack, and I just wonder how different that pain is from how my heart feels right now. My heart hurts. It just hurts, and I don't know what else to do about it.

I sit with the pain. I sit here and describe it and feel it intensely. It's the only way I know to excavate. I can't run from it. I want to dig it up and spit it out, so I can move on. This is baggage I don't want to take with me. I want to show up in Santa Fe as complete and whole as I can possibly be. I want to arrive with my authenticity intact, not shy at all about being me and shining through. I want to land there with arms wide open, heart blossomed, and totally trusting that all falls into place.

I keep loving. I keep falling in love with my life, with this town, with these people, and still I volunteer to go because my heart leads me to Santa Fe with Tammy and the magic there. I do not say good bye to McKinney. I don't say good bye to anyone because this time when I leave, I know I'll be coming back.

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