Thursday, August 12, 2010

opening a vein

I feel like I'm falling apart as if every cell is crumbling into a pile of dust on the floor. Everything I've ever thought or believed is not true. It's all been a game, a lovely, fascinating game. This excavation has cracked open that fine nugget of resistance, and now it's a dust pile on the floor.

I surrender. I wrote that to a dear friend this morning. When I got to the spa, I found the most genuine, heartfelt note I've ever received. It started the crumbling process. I told him I wanted a relationship where I could open a vein and bleed authenticity. How difficult it is to breathe right now. The crumbling process is painful. Letting go is excruciating, but I am doing just that.

I surrender.

You showed up this morning when your words were most needed. I've been in a mind fuck, and now I cry all those thoughts and let them weep onto the carpet. I am done holding on. I am done.

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