New Ways to Show Up

It's a cosmic new year as of last Sunday, and I've been spending a bit of my moments self-reflecting and determining more accurately how I want to present myself/my business. I'm leaning towards just using my name as opposed to The Selvage Edge but then I feel I must decide who is that person and what is her business?

That question has led me to trolling the internet and finding some amazing female textile artists. That venture has made me realize that my excavation process has barely begun. Here's a link to the latest find that has me re-contemplating my next "business" move. India Flint is the artist's name. Check her out.

I discovered Natalie Channin a few days ago. Her business name is Alabama Channin, and her work leaves me breathless. I highly recommend seeing her videos to get a real grasp on the slow stitching process in her clothing.

And then there's Anny Schoo. I've fallen in love with the feel and drape of linen, and Ms. Schoo has been quite an inspiration. (I also recently discovered that she's a resident of my old stomping grounds.)

I look at their websites and online stores and become tongue-tied in awe. India Flint uses scant words to say so much. I feel drawn into her world with her sentiments. Natalie Channin's detailed hand stitching makes me slow down and contemplate how I want to sew. Anny Schoo shows me the beauty in simplicity. I love what these women have offered to the world. I'm mesmerized by how they're doing it. It's lovely having these examples to light a new way for me to ponder.

How do I take what I love about each one of them and wrap it into a parcel that fits me? Do I stick with Jill Luigs and adjust that site to fit me better? What would that look like?

There would have to be something about Maruca fabrics and what I do with them.

Then there's French General fabrics I love to sew.

I love having a zero waste design studio and use my scraps for pillow making.

I can't neglect the amazing zippered pocket travel scarves.

or the tunics made from friends' fabrics

aw... Shibori Indigo dyeing on linen

white linen tunics after their shibori indigo experience

I look at pictures of my earlier work and find that it no longer resonates with me at all. The above photos represent what I've done in the last few months, and as you can see it's diverse. I like different experiences and experiments. I admire those who can pick one thing and expound on it. My one thing is sewing fabric. Well, and then there's dyeing the fabric/garments... Maybe I'm trying to limit something that's not meant to be limited. I hear about branding your business. My business and me are inseparable, and I'm not sure I can be branded other than eclectic, whimsical, fun-loving, playful, and... Maybe I'm trying to limit the limitless. To be continued for sure.

Maruca Time

Years ago when I lived near Boulder, Colorado I went to this manufacturing plant there that made purses. These purses were made from designer fabrics that knocked my socks off. I had bins filled with these fabrics when I left Boulder County and moved to Steamboat Springs. By 2010 and living in McKinney, Texas, I used up my very last scrap.

This manufacturer where I bought their scraps made purses from the fabrics they designed. The business is called Maruca. I've bought several of their purses over the years, but have always lusted over their fabrics. And then I began accumulating the scraps from their designs. I filled bins with the remnants. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I would open the bins and sort the scraps. I was in love with the textures, the colors, and the designs. And then I used my last scrap, my very last Maruca particle was sewn into a yoga bag that I had made in the summer of 2010. My life with Maruca was over. Or so I thought until I landed back in Boulder last month with a friend who had bags of Maruca scraps. Oh. My. God. My breathing has yet to go back to normal. I have them spread out in piles on my floor.

I don't pick them up -- ever. I've been sewing with them for days now, doing very little else. I'm not sure how many bags I've made this week, but I've sold almost all my inventory and have had to restock. Here's a few pictures of the latest batches.

I haven't done too much else but sew. I've been watching Christmas movies on Netflix while combining fabrics on the floor, sewing them together, adding zippers, lining, and letting their magic shine through. I am still in love with the fabrics and how the bags have turned out. It's one of the first things I'll do in the morning is go back upstairs where the scraps are laid out, and begin again. I can feel another trip back to Boulder in my future.

It was a French General kind of day.

Today I sewed. I sat on the wooden floor and cut out flowers and leaves. I made journal covers and zipper bags out of several different fabrics, but mostly French General fabrics. They belong to the homeowner where I live. She grew up with the owner of French General. I got to meet her last August while taking her Shibori Indigo dyeing class.

Tunics I made and then Shibori Indigo dyed them. Check them out in my shop.

 Her name is Kaari Meng. She also wrote the book in the picture below.

Her fabrics are the striped cotton and solid colored linen. Those are covers for book journals that I've been working on for the last couple of days.

The flowered fabrics are not from French General, but I loved how well they worked together.




Then off I went to make the zipper bags. The main reason I made the zipper bags instead of cleaning up the space and starting on other orders was because I loved the look of the fabrics together splayed out on the floor. I had to keep working with them instead of folding them and piling them into bins. I just couldn't do it -- not yet. So, here are the zipper bags.

All French General fabrics. Perfect way to create my day.

What good am I willing to accept?

hm... where to start.

I could start with an experience I had back in September 2008 at a workshop I attended in Colorado. We had had five full days of intense Aikido exercises, meditations, magic of conflict resolutions, lots of laughter, and creating a space to speak of John Denver over and over and over. His presence was palpable. We listened to his music and heard many stories about him. There were many, many things that I took away from that experience, but surprisingly what has come up for me almost weekly, if not daily, is a question that the daughter of the facilitator asked me one night.

Does place make you happy? Or, can you be happy in any place?

What was fascinating to me when I returned home to Steamboat Springs I immediately made plans to move from there. I just didn't know where. I just knew that I was done with the massive quantities of snow and needed to move on. I stuck with that decision even after meeting and loving a man there. I still moved.

I've moved several times since then, and still ponder that question especially now when I have the opportunity to move again. Then yesterday there was a dialogue with a friend about how much good were we willing to accept. It came from a discussion we were having about being able to be happy with everything else in our lives but the where. We have been struggling with the where for years.

I would love to be able to say that the where doesn't matter to me, but when she posed the question to me last night about defining the good I'm willing to accept, I felt the struggle arise in my throat.

It was interesting that the first thing I thought of when it comes to defining the good that I'm willing to accept was place. My first vision was one of home, a house where I could grow flowers, fruits, and vegetables in the yard; drink coffee on a covered porch while rain pinged the roof above me; listen to the birds singing in the trees around me; and watch the waves crash against the shore. I saw myself sitting in a cottage surrounded by green vegetation, vines pregnant with blossoms, bees and butterflies creating their own video in front of me. I saw myself sitting peacefully, drinking in the moment one after the other without feeling the need to move. In the evening the same perch would serve me well to watch the sun drop into the ocean.

I need room to breathe, room to be alone with my own thoughts, visions, and ideas. I am willing to accept the good of this space to be filled with all that makes me smile: comfy furniture to put my feet upon while writing my creative flow on paper or reading someone else's. I am willing to accept the good of friendships being developed in  this peaceful, warm space where wine is poured and home-cooked meals are shared.

Music is played. Dancing is enjoyed. Dreams are exposed. Transparency is rewarded. All in this space where nature is nurtured, where creativity abounds, and where love fills the air. You feel it when you enter the front door. The door is purple. You have to walk through a canopy of wisteria to get to the porch where baskets hang from the ceiling dripping sweet potato vines. Antique troughs serve as homes for vining geraniums and white allyssum.

There's a porch swing swaying in the breeze, a quilt folded on the back of it. Friends move the pillows to the side to make room for themselves as they settle in with their wine glasses. They sing with the others leaning against the porch rail as another friend sits on the porch step playing a guitar. The waves pound the shore as the sun drops into the water. Candles are lit, more wine is poured, and the singing and laughing increase.

There's a studio with my name on it where even more magic is made. The flooring is hardwood. The windows are large with sun shining across the table of fabrics, glinting on the scissors. In the corner of the studio is a small love seat where guests/friends sit and chat while I pin, cut, and stitch. There's a small refrigerator filled with beer, cheese, and grapes. Works in progress are pinned to one of the walls to create a cacophony of eclectic ideas coming to life. A lacy collar, a painted cotton background for a wall hanging, stitched words on vintage handkerchiefs, strands of beads, picture cut outs of inspiration -- the ever-changing wall that creates a locomotive desire within me to keep breathing and keep dreaming.

While typing the above paragraph I kept thinking about my studio in Steamboat, and I don't want that one again. It was too "industrial" for me. I couldn't cozy it up no matter how hard I tried. I want a studio with warm tones -- wood, lace curtains, beaded lampshades, shelves with recycled fabrics, laces, beads, and buttons. It would be a place where people wanted to come and sit, imbibe and explore, a place where creative juices always flowed, a place that just thinking about it when I awake each morning would make me want to jump out of bed because I am ecstatic to be able to go there again. It would be a place where I had plenty of room to cut, sew, make a mess, and teach classes. It would be a place of community where people wanted to gather, where people felt welcomed and nurtured, where people came for respite. It would be a place where I could feel rejuvenated and relaxed, where every day would be a vacation.

I have just described what good I am willing to accept. This or something better, is what another friend of mine would always add. This is my place that I see when I think of whatever that thing is that I call home. This is my place wherever it may be.

And, maybe one day I'll be able to say that place doesn't matter for me to be happy, but right here right now, I long for a place that I just described, and I am willing to accept that good into my life.

the path within

Last night my daughter and I were on Skype together, and I got to witness one of the most exhilarating experiences that as her mother I got to witness. She described to me a session she had with a client who had been in pain most if not all of his life. She showed me the energy waves she felt and how it had affected both of them. She had to stop talking several times because she was so moved to tears. Her face altered as she spoke and as she cried. She became right in front of me the angel being that she truly is. She opened her heart so freely and lovingly to another soul who blended his energy with hers to create this healing of great magnitude. I saw in her every difficulty, every tragedy, every remorse, and every painful experience morph into this light being that shone brighter than I ever thought possible. I watched this transformation, and it gave me not only hope that I could do this for myself, but it also gave me direction on how to do it.

She has been a master teacher for me from the first time I held her. I knew we were going to be on a ride of our lives back in 1980, but I had no idea that it would turn out like it has so far. She teaches me over and over how to let go and to trust in the moment, to trust in who I really am, and to allow that being to show up. I've allowed others to define my life and how I live it. I have been a people-pleaser, and let others determine for me my own living conditions and my work. I have watched my daughter meander through her own life, test-driving different personas until discovering the one that is truly hers. I watch in awe and gratitude for having a model from which I can learn. I see how the Universe bends over backwards to open doors for her when she's so presently in the moment and happy there. I see the doors slam shut that do not serve her, and I watch how she adjusts her own sails with expertise and grace. I watch her flow through the choices presented to her, following the signs that show up. She sifts through the feelings of wonderment and lets the detritus fall away.

What I most want to acknowledge in this post is the joy I felt as she described the natural process of bringing her gift forth and showering it with great love for another soul who had come to her bearing his pain and sorrow. She opened herself up and allowed that light we all have within us to merge with another's light and it raised them both up to a place they'd never been before.

The only way I see to uncovering that magic within is to be still and to excavate until I get down to that very core that is my true-ness, my connection to all that is, that light spark that shines every time I feel tremendous joy. It is in that moment that I recognize myself and every doubt disintegrates. It is that instant that my own light can shine, and it is my desire to allow those instants become how I live my life. Those joy-filled, over-the-top exciting moments allow me the expansive imaginings to create a life of creativity in which I can grow. I drop the pretenses of who you think I am because it's a road that dead ends, and it is so damn desolate there. I choose the path that leads to fulfillment, and that path lies within.

relish happy

Guidance from Eileen Caddy

Enter Into The Secret Place of The Most High

There is so much going on in the outer that these times of withdrawal for you are most important, these times of entering into the ‘secret place of the Most High’. There in the peace and silence you can readjust your whole being, draw on the source of all power and so return refreshed and revitalised, ready to cope with all that lies ahead of you. Every soul needs these times of readjusting. Some realise it but others don’t and busy themselves in great activities, which exhaust them and they become like a rundown clock that needs rewinding. Unless they go into the silence for rewinding, they become ineffective and eventually stop ticking. That is why every now and again I have to remind you how vitally important these times of withdrawal are. The hours spent alone with Me are vital for the work you are doing for Me, are vital for your spiritual advancement. These times alone with Me mean more to you than anything. They are your meat and drink, they are the food of the Spirit which enables you to do what you know has to be done with courage and without hesitation.

7 March 2014

I just read the above paragraph right after making my coffee and bagel this morning, after settling down on the couch, after letting the dog out and then back in, and after questioning (as I too often do) what I'm doing with my life.

I have been a working maniac most of my life, if not all, until recently, and there are more than just a few moments that I find myself critical of my present inactivity. I'm in a place right now of re-inventing my life by re-directing my thoughts, and I am finding this not the easiest task I've ever encountered. 

I don't want to work just to keep busy and "feel" productive anymore. After three years of being a machine that rarely turned off, I find myself in a peculiar situation for me. Time stretching out before me, unraveling endlessly, and me sitting here at my laptop with a hot cup of coffee beside me wondering just what in the hell do I do with myself today?

My thoughts meander around all kinds of possibilities that create a bit of angst in my soul because I question how I ended up here, and more importantly why I ended up here. I question my own heart sometimes too. My intuition seems to have led me astray. Or, are all of these questions just unfocused meanderings in my head that serve absolutely no purpose but to help me feel my way back into the vibrations I enjoy dancing with?

I have always awakened with a full to-do list. Years have been spent with those to-do lists growing longer and never being completed. I don't make those lists anymore. I've turned off that machine. I'm learning to quiet my mind without activity. I'm learning what it means to just be still and find that happy place within. I'm not playing by the rules I was raised with anymore, and now I'm standing at a precipice wondering how I live in a world without the rules I had internalized years ago. 

A friend told me last night to focus on what I want, to write it down, proclaim it to the world, and let it go. Apparently right now is a major vortex of dreams coming true, or so I was told. The matrix is losing its dominance over those awakened, and now is the time of our lives to allow those dreams to be fulfilled.

Hm, the difficulty with that, declaring what I want, is that I don't have great clarity on what it is I really want besides living off-grid with an amazing garden, animals and like-minded souls. I have not discovered that here in upstate NY, and I want a longer growing season and milder temperatures than what's offered here. (Hm... sounding like I do know the basics of what I want.)

I have spent my life going after what I wanted with such a strong will that nothing was going to hold me back. I don't have that strong desire right now. I don't know where it went, but I got nothing right now. I have always known where I wanted to live, where I wanted to move to and how I wanted to be once I got there. Well, not now. I feel emptied out. It's been a time of seclusion without constant productivity. I was secluded for three years in my last relationship, but I was so damn busy that when I did stop to view my life, where I lived, how I lived, and what I was doing, I would get depressed. The solution? Stop being still. There was no time with my mind being emptied out. If my hands weren't busy, I was reading. I read everything in sight. I had four library cards, and almost all my outings consisted of collecting more and more books. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT complaining about my life at all. I am sifting through the memories to decide what I want to bring forward now. 

And what are those things I want to carry with me? The knowledge and skills I acquired. I was more creative in those three years than in all my years combined. I drew things. I've never drawn in my life, at least nothing I wanted to show anyone. My drawings were screen-printed onto t-shirts, and some of those shirts I made into dresses. 

I triumphed in my dress-making business. For the first time in my life I was making enough money doing what I loved to support myself. I was stretching my creative muscles beyond what I had ever done before. I filled notebooks with new designs, classes to teach,  and website updates. There were no moments of contemplation or meditation, no self-reflections, and now upon looking back, I see that I arranged my time like that because I didn't want to see where I had landed. Because when those moments would sneak up on me, those moments of quiet solitude where I had the chance to open my eyes to the environment in which I had placed myself, I became immeasurably depressed. I would sink into such a hole of blackness that I couldn't get myself out for days on end. I was willing to live a lifetime with those black days until I just couldn't do it anymore.

I went through an experience with my daughter last fall that brought me closer to her father and allowed such beautiful space for me to love him and his wife. I realized then with the four of us together what a family we had created. I knew then that my partner of three years was not part of that. He chose not to join me, and I was perfectly happy to not have him with me. I was able to view my life without him in it, and I could see intense love and gratitude with and for people I now had in my life. I saw that I was not alone. I realized that I could suffer great helplessness, despair, and fear and come out on the other side with an army of warriors beside me. That recognition deepened my love for all involved, and showed me not only how strong I am, but also how secure my footing is no matter what's going on around me.

Months later I propelled myself into a new environment, one more conducive to who I have become, a life of respite with a furry friend and like-minded housemate. I am breathing easier and more deeply for the first time since I've moved to New York. I have made the time for self-reflection, meditation, and indeed more creativity, and now I get to choose the next step. Ha! Something I thought I always wanted, and now it has come to pass. The difficulty for me is that all possibilities lay before me. Nothing is written in stone. I can go anywhere at this point in my life. For the first time I don't have an agenda, no one waiting for me, no desires that compel me. I have offers that I am weighing, and yet I am still just as undecided as before the offers came in. So, right now all I can do is be happy in each moment. That's my job right now. No matter what, sink into the now and relish the happy there.

revelation

REVELATION MUST BE TERRIBLE

Revelation must be
    terrible with no time left
to say goodbye.

Imagine that moment,
   staring at the still waters,
with only the brief tremor

of your body to say
   you are leaving everything
and everyone you know behind.

Being far from home is hard, but you know,
   at least we are all exiled together.
When you open your eyes to the world

you are on your own for
   the first time. No one is
even interested in saving you now

and the world steps in
   to test the calm fluidity of your body
from moment to moment,

as if it believed you could join
   its vibrant dance
of fire and calmness and final stillness.

As if you were meant to be exactly
   where you are, as if,
like the dark branch of a desert river

you could flow on without a speck
   of guilt and everything
everywhere would still be just as it should be.

As if your place in the world mattered
   and the world could
neither speak nor hear the fullness of

its own bitter and beautiful cry
   without the deep well
of your body resonating in the echo.

Knowing that it takes only
   that first, terrible
word to make the circle complete,

revelation must be terrible
   knowing you can
 never hide your voice again.

-- David Whyte

When I got into bed tonight I pulled my David Whyte River Flow book of poetry into my lap. I held it in my hands, breathing deeply and just feeling the warmth of the pages between my fingers. I absorbed David's words through my hands and slowly rested upon a poem. Opening my eyes and looking at the pages, I read the words, and then I read them again, as I do with all of his works. This one resonated with me so much that I felt pulled to the keyboard to not only type his words, but then to write from my heart what those sentiments mean to me in the moment.

I am now at the precipice of that revelation, that knowing that my voice cannot be hidden or silenced again. I opened my heart to what I breathed in as the truth for me, the angelic wings of knowingness after a long blackened cocooned lifetime. The revelation of seeing the light once that cocoon was broken open turned my world, and continues to do so, upside down. I am discovering moment by moment that what I had once deemed true, so true that I would have bet my life on it, is not what I thought all along. The revelations keep showing up. They are terrible in the sense that I must learn to fly with my new wings, but first I have to figure out how to pull this new body out of the small hole I managed to make for my emergence.

I am on my own again with less stuff weighing me down. I carry less inhibitions, less expectations, less certainty, and less rigidness. My calm is fluid. I stare as if I have for the first time opened my eyes and seen the world anew. I poke my head out and wonder what's before me. Is there anything to tether me? To silence me? I test my new voice. It echoes in the stillness. A tear meanders down my cheek. I lift myself free from the darkness within, struggling with the tightness of the familiar, but yet yearning for the adventure of the unknown. I look about me, around me, and above me. The colors sustain me. I am clothed in beauty I have just now only grasped. I breathe in the blue, the green, the purple, and do not recognize their scents, but I am willing to step forward and smell the unfamiliar, to take it in with each breath, and awaken to the magic of stepping a foot forward on shaky ground knowing that if my foot slips I will be carried safely by my wings.

This

SWEET DARKNESS
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
© David Whyte: Excerpted from SWEET DARKNESS
In THE HOUSE OF BELONGING: Many Rivers Press

I am discovering several times over those things that are "too small" for me. I call them course corrections. I am a deliberate and conscious sifter of my own experiences, and I am sifting through those things that don't "sift" well with me. I could write on and on about them, but that just doesn't feel good to me to dwell on what I don't want in my life. Instead, I'm discovering those things that do feel good, and when I see them or experience them they feel better than I could have ever imagined.

One thing is my reconnection with nature. Right now that reconnection is more in my mind and on the computer than being outside as I am not one who loves being frostbitten again.

I found a house built in its natural surroundings in Thailand. It took six weeks and $8,000 to build. It is built in nature and with nature, and I have revisited the website over and over again because it feels good to watch the video where the front door opens and I can see myself walking right through. I can see myself living in that house, coffee brewing in the "kitchen", showering in the bathroom, sitting in the bedroom window, relaxing in the hammock outside, meditating by the pond, wandering through the vegetation, and on and on and on.

I realize how disconnected from the earth I have been especially since leaving Colorado in 2008. I loved hiking in the mountains and walking along the Yampa river. My next stop was Texas where I immersed myself in a concrete jungle, and my earthly connection diminished. The walking I did there was between buildings on paved streets and concrete sidewalks. The summers were too hot to be outside, and my only solace was inside air-conditioned rooms. On the flip side has been the harsh winters I've endured farther northeast where being outside in blizzards has been treacherous and soul-numbing.

I had felt my inner strength grow while planting my garden last year. I loved sticking my hands in the dirt, plopping in seeds, and tapping down dirt. I would sit amongst my crops and read in the mornings with a hot cup of coffee. I watched bees sit on my snap pea blossoms. I read little while gazing at the butterflies lighting on the pole beans. I made myself a home out there with vines growing up the fence, and sunflowers shading me from the sun. I ate my meals of mesclun leaves, snap peas, pole beans, carrots, cherry tomatoes, and green peppers while weeding and thinning. Birds provided me with easy listening, and baby rabbits entertained me immensely.

I remembered the wealth of growing my own food, the experience it provided me of self-sustenance. I was rich in my garden. I had plenty. I had untainted vegetables. I had longed-for sunshine on my shoulders. I had it all.

Now, I'm creating a life of utter fulfillment. I'm going next where the growing season is longer, where I can get my hands in the dirt more often, and where I can be around others who understand that need for earth connection. I am going where sunshine is revered and not admonished with long sleeves, caps, and lathering of sunscreen. The sun is not my enemy. It never has been.

I'm going where I can live with pets, where I can live with those who love animals in their lives. These conditions are important to me. Do I have to have them to be happy? No, but I want animals and growing my own food in my life. These things fill me. I want to be surrounded by people who cherish the same things, who love our Mother, who appreciate the sacred in what She has to offer us.

This brings me alive. Anything less is too small.

just beautiful

Today I've cried. Buckets.

I can't even remember the last time I've done that. Maybe when I arrived in Steamboat Springs, CO in September of 2006 after leaving a man I had been in a relationship with for 32 years. For the first time since I was 18 years old he was no longer in my life, or so I thought. Last September he came back in with his wonderful, beautiful wife who I just love dearly. I've been learning that sometimes goodbyes really mean see ya later. I didn't think there would ever be a need to see him again until he was the only one who I wanted to be there with me. It was our daughter who brought us together again, and this time he brought his Leslie with him, and our family grew by one. Now I remember the time more recently when the tears flowed so freely, and it was the moment I saw his car pull into the driveway, and he came out to talk with me. I held him and we both cried buckets. His wife joined us. There is something so powerful in the act of letting love guide. I saw love operate amongst us like a soft, kind blowtorch. It cemented a bond that has deep roots and loving kindness.

And today I am remembering that sadness, that overwhelming feeling of helplessness turn into a sweet surrender knowing that there is nothing I need do right now at this very moment but just sit in the feelings that I'm feeling and know I'm okay and so is my world.

Last night my friend and I took my daughter to the train station so she could begin the next leg of her journey. I know some of my tears have a lot to do with seeing her off and having me still be in a state I've been wanting out of for a long time. I am sitting with that feeling right now and breathing through it as I "see" another place for myself with beautiful beings that are truly my brothers and sisters. While I look out the window right now and see the massive quantities of snow, I see in my mind's eye that raised-bed garden where I pick vegetables and herbs for the evening meal shared with my soul family. I see the dresses I make for the goddesses that enter my life and dance in their garments in the moonlight. I see the smiles on faces sitting around the kitchen table, spreading butter on the homemade bread and mingling effortlessly in the communal language. I see that all so clearly, and my tears dry up. I look outside at the vegetation and see growth and abundance. I look inside my heart and feel its expansion, and know that I am loved deeply.

And I breathe. And with that, I know that everything is just beautiful.

let it be

Sitting on the couch this morning with the fire roaring and the dog snoring, checking my Facebook page when the following video just "popped up". (I really don't know how things show up in my life, but internet seems to put things in my face like nothing else, and this is a prime example.)

magical video watching

This crazy life I reside in has been a roller coaster ride of the scariest, the most thrilling, and the greatest growing. Sometimes though I just hold my hands up, look at the ceiling, and scream upwards: "Beam me up, Scotty!"

I know there have been people who have thought committing me in some kind of mental facility would serve their purposes well, but the crazy that lingers in my thoughts is not one of the unhealthy mental diagnosis. Instead it's one of much self-reflection, one that steers me down winding and hilly paths that twists and turn by the seconds. Right when I think I have a handle on some direction in my life, poof! there goes that avenue.

So, here I sit clueless as a vagabond, no baggage, light as air, free to leap, and wondering at the moment in which direction. When I've left one place for another, I had always had that "other" place in which to go. This time is different. I thought I had a place. I could still make that my place, but I don't want to. Whatever made me think that I wanted to live in a ski resort community AGAIN? I don't ski. I am not fond of shoveling feet of snow, skidding on ice, feeling "squished" in the valley surrounded by mountains. I'm a wide-open girl. I like space around me to stretch out and sometimes to be alone, but sometimes not.

Back in 2008 I left a mountain resort town after just meeting someone that I had a relationship with. He begged me not to go. I insisted. I had to. I was on my next mission. I had my plan mapped out perfectly. I was on a time schedule. yada yada yada...

Not only did he "let" me go, but he helped pack up my studio carrying boxes down a steep flight of stairs, not once, not one time saying a harsh word, being angry, or even sad. He told me that he would do whatever he could for me because he knew this is what I was determined to do. His only request was to call him on my 1000-mile U-Haul truck driving trip through the mountains before heading south. He just wanted to know that I was okay and was making my way to my destination safely.

Every day since then I have discovered in many ways through many relationships just how brilliantly his actions have shown me genuine non-attached love. I've traveled thousands of miles since I last saw him. I have forged, developed, and ended several relationships, but his feelings for me have been a recent reminder to me that his ability to "let" me go and experience the world without him has been one of the truest forms of kindness I've ever witnessed.

How do I trust my own heart after I feel it has lead me to relationships that I just KNEW were the right ones for me, and they each became ones that needed to end, sometimes rather quickly. Follow my heart? It has lead me down some pretty tough dark alleys lately, but each time I've come through a bit shinier and wiser. That much I'm sure of. So, am I wise enough now to choose what shows up in my life that comes so easily, so effortlessly, so truly? Is it okay for me to know that he still loves me and just be with that, maybe even love him back?

I do feel love for him. I always have. He has shown up in my life over and over again at the most amazing moments. I don't take that lightly. We've had extraordinary experiences together whether we were together physically or not. And now I'm on another road looking west, watching it unfold, feeling into it, wondering just how unattached I can be with it. Maybe this time I can lead with my heart fully without getting my hopes up, without setting my mind on what it looks like, and just allowing it to be whatever it is. Maybe then we can see what happens with our love for each other.

seeking

I just wrote a long paragraph that got erased. I thought I was being honest and pouring my heart out, but apparently the "powers that be" assume otherwise, because in the tech world my words just went "poof"! So, I'm going to try again, and this time I'm going to be transparent.

Here goes.

I am living a life like I never have before. I don't know what's five minutes ahead of me. I have certainly made plans, and all of them have fallen apart. I am learning that I need to stop trying to figure it out. I am getting messages from people I've never met in person, others that I haven't been in contact with in years, and others that I've recently communicated with long distance, and every single one of these people offer a piece of this crazy puzzle I've been trying to put together without having a picture to work from.

First of all the people that have come into my life. What can I say? I am totally blown away by their love and generosity.  This month in particular has been the biggest show of love I've ever experienced. These amazing beings are coming to me with such grace and sweetness. My needs are being met over and over in ways that I couldn't have possibly figured out if I'd tried.

I have this vision that has not only changed since the first time conceiving of it last month, but has also gotten clearer and clearer. At first I saw a healing center of great magnitude in the mountains near Aspen. I couldn't ever see it very clearly, and my feelings about it were distant. I just knew that was where I wanted to land. It has been home for me most of my life, and I thought that was where I needed to be finally. Is it still? I shake my head in wonder. I truly don't have any answers about that right now.

However, what I do hold as a very clear vision is something that came to me the other night. It was so vivid and so charged with emblazoned passion on my heart that I couldn't sleep. It was a remembrance of a vision I had seen back in 2004, and something I've put some energy into but not nearly as much as I'd like. Years ago I saw this retail store that I ran called Great Expectations. The items in the store were repurposed and painted chakra colors. Each item had words painted or sewn into them that had the vibrations set for just the right person. There were dresses with words sewn down the front or at the hemline or on the sleeves. A wooden garden bench was painted purple with green ivy leaves running down its legs and "Peace resides here." painted on the back. Every single item in the store was made intentionally for a specific vibrational resonance. People would walk in the store not even knowing they were looking for anything, and be drawn to a particular garment or household item. They'd sit on a couch, hold a pillow, wrap a scarf around their necks, or just lay their hands on a table scrolled with the word "love".

Almost a decade later I saw this vision again very, very clearly, but this time there were differences. One half of the store had a coffee shop with repurposed tables and chairs and some of the retail items. The other half of the store had tables for classes so people could learn how to do their own intentional creativity and a space for healing circles, poetry readings, acoustic guitar playing, tarot card readings, channelings, etc. Down a hallway were treatment rooms for healers -- sound therapy, energy work, shamanic journeys. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've been working on making new pieces of fabric art with words in them and embedding in each piece the vibration of unconditional love. The times right now are shaky at best, and I'm experiencing a lot of people in the throes of turmoil because their worlds are falling apart, at least that's the way it seems to them. I'm making things that people can wear or see or hold onto that remind them that not only are they loved, but that they are love.

I can see how important a place like this is. I know my part in it. I just don't know who's a part of it with me or where the first one is going to be. So, I'm putting it out there, people. Those of you who want to join my tribe (or are already members of my tribe) and be a part of this new dream, let me know. A place in northern CA has been suggested to me, and I would love to make that happen. The people that I have grown close to out there have my heart. I know there will be a healing center there eventually, but I'm not sure it's to be the first one.

There's a saying that goes like this: "That which you are seeking, is seeking you." I think Rumi said that, but I'm not sure. In any case, I'm putting it out there that if you are seeking what I am, please let me know. I really am swimming in the unknown here, and I can feel things coming together. And I also feel that when they do come together they are going to do so in lightning speed.

Dreaming it real

Has this ever been my mantra lately. I've been on quite the fishing trip trying to figure out where I'm to go next and what to do. ACH! I'm driving myself looney, not to mention those I live with, because I'm wanting to get my next step done. I remember feeling this way every single time I felt the "moving" feeling come over me. I ended up staying at my house with the ex-husband six months after the divorce because the "next step" didn't occur until then. I remember almost losing my mind still being in the same house and the same town months after I signed papers saying that legally I didn't have to be there any longer. Every trip I made to the Roaring Fork Valley in Colorado to "seal" my new place and my new occupation fell through time and again. When "out of the blue" an opportunity showed up to move to Steamboat Springs instead. It was almost effortless. Doors flung open, and I walked through. Perfect timing because I met my shaman who I ended up working with the rest of the time I lived there. If I had moved to the Aspen area then, I would never had that experience, and it was my relationship with him that changed the rest of my journey. Thanks, Rob!

Then came the time to move from Steamboat. Again, the anxiety level showed itself. I had had enough shoveling snow and wanted a warmer climate. I was gifted a session with an intuitive who told me I would move back to Texas and be with my daughter. I told her never in a million years would I ever move back to Texas. She also told me that I would be meeting a man very, very soon. I left there thinking she was nuts. The next day I met the man, and three weeks after that I left for Texas to be with my daughter.

Energy levels shifted in me again almost two years later when I could hardly stand sitting still, somewhat how I'm feeling now. Pacing, looking out windows, scrubbing kitchen counters, cleaning floors... Back then I ended up in New Mexico on a whim. It happened that fast. I thought I was going to move back to Colorado. Now, looking back on that time I see what foolishness it would have been to move back to Colorado at that time. I needed my time in New Mexico -- my "forty days and forty nights" as I called it. I learned much about myself and was able to move on when the vision of moving to Oswego, NY showed up. Like the previous moves it was seamless. Everything fell into place easily, but it was not my timing, and that's what I need to remember right now. It has never been my timing. (Haven't I learned that yet?)

In the meantime I have "seen" what I want and where I want it. Here's the thing though, does it show up like that? I don't have references for that happening in the past. I've had visions of my life's journeys and they've never shown up like I imagined them. Is my ego a bigger player in all of this than I'd like it to be? My ability to relax into the unknown has been shaken a bit. The desire to do something has amped up, and yet I'm puzzled by what it is exactly that I can do to move me on my way. What if my way is really just right here in central New York reading, studying, being with friends and my daughter, and helping my friend get her house ready to put on the market? What if that is life for me right now? Selling dresses occasionally, taking walks, and drinking chai tea lattes? What if that's all there is right now? What if there is nothing more for me to do to move myself forward other than being happy with where I am right now? Sometimes thinking about what I really want and where I want it scares the living crap out of me, and I know that hasn't been so great for the moving-forward-in-life proposition. Oh fuck, sometimes I am my own worst enemy for not believing in myself and what I'm capable of, and that just pisses me off really. It's easy for me to believe in others, but not myself? Who sold me that bill of goods, and why do I choose to still hang on to it? Well that's just stupid.

Here's what I see for myself, and it really jazzes me when I allow myself to just swim in its fullness. I see a place where there is a small coffee shop area with repurposed tables made of windows for the table tops and mismatched chairs. That's in one side of the building. The other side is filled with other repurposed items that have been hand made from artists, painted in chakra colors to help people open up that part of themselves that have been closed off. On these chairs will be words that spark the opening process. The retail space will also have clothing with words on them that alter people's moods and poetry that enlightens them. There's a classroom space to teach people how to do all of this for themselves too. This room is also used for healing circles, poetry readings, and shamanic journeys. There will be treatment rooms for sound healing, energy work, readings, etc. This is my dream. This is what I think about all the time. And last night a friend told me where she felt the right place was. I got online today and looked at pictures of it. I think she was right on. The place was Basalt, Colorado. So anyone with connections or notions about any of this feel free to let me in on what you know because I would love to get this party started.

purple heart

Here's a little look at the latest wall hanging I put up on my new website, and here are some pictures to show closer looks at it.

 The background is made from a tie-dyed sheet, I think. To tell you the truth, I just don't remember anymore. I just know that I've been repurposing fabric items since my Steamboat days in 2006. So much has happened since this piece was made that I can't recall all the particulars about the contents, except to say that all fabrics and batting are 100% cotton. Even the embroidery floss is hand dyed and made of cotton. The beads in the upper left are made from tie-dyed t-shirt scraps, and the wall hanging is extensively hand quilted and hand embroidered. The hearts are hand appliqued. Sometimes there is nothing I like more than doing handwork. The machine sometimes can be too fast for my slow-paced moments. Enjoy the look-see while I get back to creating some more.

 





Cosmic Tumbling

I've been selling dresses like hotcakes, but have found this stash of wall hangings that I thought needed to be marketed also. I travel light, and on my next voyage I would love to trip the light fantastic with less baggage. This is available through my shop.

I love what I do. I love making fabric art of all kinds. I've made pillows, scarves, dresses, blouses, quilts, purses, bags, totes, wall hangings, and God only knows what else. I have a few pieces left that I want to share with the world, starting with this one. It was once in an exhibit called "At Last" as if I'd finally found my one and only. Even then as I was hanging the piece I wasn't feeling it.
He even told me that it was ironic that the name of the exhibit was about us finally discovering each other when our relationship was on the skids. Well, the show must go on, and a few months later I had moved out and moved on. The anger flare-ups were a bit too much for me, and not having control over my own money was something else I wasn't so keen on, but hey, I learned a lot. I learned a helluva lot, and I am very, very grateful.

This piece is beautiful, stitching exquisite, and still dear to my heart because of all the possibilities the two figures hold, the questions raised, the sentiments discovered. What is meant by coming together? Do we get caught up in the future and what it means as opposed to just enjoying the now? The cosmic tumbling together for however long it lasts and being open to where it may lead is a beautiful way to look at relationship and allow it to unfold without criticism.

Being still with the unknown. Being okay with whatever happens. This to me is the real secret to a much easier life. This is how I'm living it today. Now I'm flying off west whenever it occurs and to whomever that may be. Right now in the moment it's a beautiful life writing about fabric art that I made a few months ago and am now releasing to the ethers and just allowing whatever happens to happen. Happy trails!

letting the new book begin

Astounding revelation yesterday!

Several years ago I wrote a novel that became my life. The main character, Grace, was married to a man who she worked with, and she despised her work. That part of the novel was true for me at the time I was writing it, but the rest of the novel came into being as the years progressed. Grace left her husband, as did I. She became a fabric artist, as did I. She worked with another fabric artist, as did I. When I began working with my fabric artist partner I thought the novel had come to a conclusion as far as mirroring my own life, but that all changed last year. In the novel Grace and her partner go separate ways, and the end of the novel concludes with her befriending her husband again. Not that they get back together, but that they are able to care for one another as two beings who at one time were in love with each other.

It wasn't until yesterday that the rest of the novel came to my mind. I realized that my relationship with my fabric artist partner had come to an end which parallels my life and my character's. Then, more importantly I realized the very last piece of the storyline -- Grace became friends with her husband. Last September the same occurred to me. I became friends with my ex-husband. What an amazing gift that was. I can think of him with great love in my heart, and that has lifted such a burden from me. I see how beautifully everything was orchestrated, and I feel blessed beyond words. He, his wife, my daughter, and I created a new family dynamics that I thoroughly enjoy thinking about. Truly an amazing gift.

So, with that realization came something else so extraordinary. When I realized that everything in the novel had been played out in my real life, I now am beginning anew. Clean slate. Empty page. Blank canvas. I understood with such clarity what it is for me now to start over with no baggage, no burdens, nothing. It's all brand new now. I step forward into the unknown now to let the new book begin!

starting close in

I had been feeling  a little wobbly lately. Due to the full moon and everything else going on in space? Hm, could be. I'll go with that one. Today, however, became the magical solution to yesterday's funk. Starting with a dear friend posting on Facebook a link to a poet reading one of his poems. It turned out to be an answer to a prayer.

Here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=030YqrN4SFc&list=PL39E0E6197BED7FBE

Start close in. I don't have to figure out the third step, not even the second one. Just start close in. Whew... why I was thinking it was necessary to know so much more than I did is beyond me. I thought I was okay living in the unknown, but for some reason yesterday there was a bit of wobbliness that got purged today.

What's so cool about the link to that David Whyte poem is that it's on page 360 in a book I just received from a friend in California. One of my favorites now. I've read it several times today, and I've watched the video a few times. Beautiful to remember that I don't need to know anything more than to start close in.

Another astounding incident that occurred was that upon awakening this morning I remembered a phone number that I hadn't called in years. As a matter of fact, that phone number has been coming to mind for the past few days, but I've been blowing it off. This morning I called it, and it still belonged to the friend who made such a significant change in my life almost ten years ago. He opened me up to wanting more, and that lead to learning to fly planes, getting a divorce, selling a house, and moving to the mountains.

My first time to Aspen was in 1975 and I stayed with this friend at his mom's house. It was my first time in Aspen, and the experience encouraged me to want to move there. Fast forward to 2004 when he re-introduced me to Aspen, and my desire to move there was even greater. I had first heard of the town because of John Denver. I was a huge fan of his music, owning every album, purchasing each one the day they were released. I'd seen him in concert several times, including Red Rocks on a few occasions. Well, when I finally moved to the mountains it wasn't to Aspen, even though I tried! Instead I ended up in Steamboat Springs working for one of John's dear friends. Now, I'm making my way back to Aspen. I feel the pull very strongly. I feel alignment with it, with its magic, and I'm open to how it shows up and when it shows up because I'm starting close in.

Relaxing into it

I'm focused on letting go of the control panel. Ha! As if I ever had it in the first place. Divine timing has a different schedule, and I'm breathing into the acceptance of it. I also know that all is not in place yet. I know that. I know it. Ah... Just breathing. I can feel the impatience subside, no, depart.

I want to get the show on the road, but the show's not ready for me to be on the road yet, as I too have a lot to accomplish before exiting stage right. I feel those things that need to be released still -- and again. I've been meditating, listening to "experts", and sliding into a place that resonates more with me. Now, more than ever though I need to just enjoy the now moments. I'm in a lovely home with two of the most fabulous women, and I am absolutely thrilled. I also get to take care of the most loveable male energy that people see as a dog. I see him as a very wise, strong, loving being that I get to hang out with, and after three years of no animals to live with, I am in heaven.

Tonight will be another ceremony. Things have shifted tremendously and the time here is coming to a close, so I want to immerse myself into the divine realm of magic. So, that being said, I'm relaxing into it. I'm releasing what no longer serves me, and I'm allowing the tremendous goodness in that sends me off to the next thing, whenever that is.

listening to messages

The team is assembled. That was the "message" that woke me up tis morning. That's been happening to me for years now. I awaken to messages that get confirmed throughout my day. I have learned to trust those words more than anything else, especially when I don't know what they mean. This morning though I did know what it meant.

Yesterday I saw a being going back and forth in the hallway. It seemed to have urgency about it. It had more of a female flavor to it than male. She seemed to be not so much in a hurry as much as trying to get my attention to do something other than what I was doing. I paid attention, but didn't stop sewing dresses as I had a custom order to fill.

I awoke yesterday morning knowing that my time here in NY is coming to a close quickly. I had great clarity in what I am to do in Colorado. I am ready to move forward. Ah, and then the female being showed up going back and forth in the hallway, first coming into my vision while I was in the kitchen and then going towards the bedroom. I couldn't see the hallway with my physical eyes, but I knew that was what she was doing. When I was describing her to Alyssa last night I realized even more what she was trying to do. She felt to me like a porter on a train telling me to get onboard, to get my stuff and get on before the train left. She was showing me that I needed to pack my belongings, choose wisely what I am to take with me, and be prepared for a very quick departure. Even now as I'm typing this my heart beats even faster. I know this to be true.

What happened though last night really got our attention like nothing else. It reminded me of the importance of following through with guidance instead of putting it off or ignoring it. Now is not the time to ignore it, and I know better.

After making five dresses yesterday, I sat down with Alyssa to watch a movie. I forgot about the pacing in the hallway, but instead parked my ass. Later I was lying in bed when I heard a noise I'd never heard before. I asked Alyssa if she was okay. It sounded as if she had run into something and knocked something huge over. She said she was walking down the hallway when a bedroom door opened abruptly then slammed. She said she wasn't even near it. Then I told her about the female presence I had seen in the hallway all day. She confirmed what I had felt about it.

And then this morning: "The team has been assembled." The team in Colorado putting the physical together, and definitely the team here helping Alyssa and I move forward effortlessly. I feel the energy shift, and it feels really, really good.

The stage is ready, and the players are assembled. Next...

I am feeling all of my past coming together now to meet my future and create my present. Ah... This is how it's happening. The visions/dreams/possible realities from years ago that I once held dear are coming back to me now in my ever-present moments. This time though they're returning with resonance, clarity, and feelings that they are now coming to fruition. Signs are popping up around me faster than I can even ask for anything to prove to me that what I am observing is indeed creating my now from all that I had experienced previously. My moments from all directions in time are hurtling into my present with such clear magnificence. Could this be what I've been waiting for and didn't know it until right now?

There are so many beings coming into my reality now, beings that have been here with me before, those with physical bodies and those without. There is little difference to me now. I just know they are here as puzzle pieces sliding the missing parts into the order necessary to create the movement of this thing called my life.

If this is sounding nebulous to you, then you are not the one to whom it is directed. Those that are now in my playing field can read my words and understand completely. They are moving forward knowing the parts they play in this realm. Or, at least they resonate with these words and are drawn to them with the knowledge that one day soon the message will be clear to them.

I have been reconnecting with many who I haven't communicated with in years. They are showing up by leaps and bounds displaying their ability to play with me. Their eagerness overwhelms me. I am meeting up with my tribe again, and this time we all have the clarity and maturity we lacked previously. Now is the time to create the reality we have been longing for because now is when so many have awakened and are waiting for us to show up. It's time for us to shine our light brightly and realize who we really are. It has served no one for us to be dimly lit. The time is now. I know it, and those who are a part of this play know it also. I thank you all for coming forward and showing me how my dreams are coming true and the part I play in your own dreams. Welcome to this magnificent stage where we all get to act our parts authentically.

enjoying now

It's a little after five in the evening, and I'm sitting down with homemade bread, peanut butter, and a cup of coffee to watch "Castle" Season Five with my daughter. The dog is tucked into his bed after a  snack, the coffee's piping hot and croissant halves are coming out of the little oven for Alyssa to enjoy while watching our last few episodes before we're done with the DVDs.

Alyssa and I have both been through a lot last year, and to be able to sit down and quietly enjoy our evening is truly such a pleasure. She and I both have made an about face in our lives. We both ended relationships and moved to new locations. We've both paired down our belongings preparing for the next leg of our journey -- beginning again in Colorado. Going back home for both of us. I want to say that I didn't see that one coming, but when I think back on all my meanderings these past few years, I can honestly say that it all makes sense. It's just that it happened with both of us so damn fast. Ending the relationships and moving to new locations occurred immediately without much thought to them. However, those decisions are the best we've made so far.

Before settling down with "Castle" this evening I made another dress with Alyssa giving me a few designer tips because the dress is really long. I was just going to make it shorter by cutting the bottom of the dress off, but she came up with the idea of making a bustle on the dress. It was truly a stroke of genius. I haven't done it yet because we've been busy cleaning the house and fixing a killer lunch with spaghetti squash and homemade sauce and hot buttered cheese bread slices, and then, of course, settling down with "Castle."

Earlier today we walked into the village so that we could mail several dresses, pick up the "Castle" DVD from the library, and stop for a green bell pepper. It was a sweet walk with no wind and warm temperature. It was relaxing and soul-enriching. I am so loving being in this place before heading west. I've enjoyed this town for a while now, and to be able to visit here before our next venture is truly rewarding.

For now, I'm finishing the episode of "Castle" with Alyssa. My coffee cup is empty, and my peanut butter sandwich devoured. My stomach is full, and my thoughts quieted. I am so in love with my life right here, right now. My creativity has stretched even more. I'm enjoying Alyssa's company so much. We've been doing ceremony together, something I haven't done with another since I lived in Steamboat Springs, Colorado while working with my shaman. To be able to align my life with spirituality again has been a blessing. Mysteries lie ahead, and I look forward to them with a smile on my face.

shining on

As long as I can remember I have written journals. I have filled notebooks about my self-reflections, my inner guidance, my feelings, etc. Last month after moving to the house I am now in, I perused the notebooks I had written in for the last three years, and I discovered something that has never been before in my life: In all the notebooks my writings were about classes to teach, articles to write, blogs to post, dresses to make, etc. In my thinking on these past three years I realize just how immersed I had been in trying to make money. I lived in an impoverished area where jobs were few and far between especially if you weren't born and raised there. I have never passed out so many resumes, filled out so many applications, and hunted the want ads for jobs. My "success" led me to a job where the managerial team and owners of the business treated employees atrociously. I had been warned about the owner before taking the job, but I didn't listen. I was determined to make money at any cost. And the cost was high. I felt depleted, wrung out, and spiritually absent. The only way I could survive that job was to turn my emotions off and think about the paycheck at the end of the week.

These three years taught me a lot about myself. They taught me what I was still willing to settle for and ignore my own longings. I thought I had given that up, but alas, I had not. So, what an amazing experience to teach me who I really am.

Because of all the tips I've picked up on this traveling through life, I am doing things differently now. I'm constantly looking at course corrections after an experience has shown me what I don't want. I am really, really clear about what I don't want, and therefore much clearer on what I do want. I've been collecting images to look at and meditate on first thing in the morning. I have reconnected with a lot of people that were healthy influences in my life, and I'm realizing how disconnected I had been from the world for those three years. No phone, no internet, no TV. Just sewing machines and fabric. I was home alone for most of my time, or there were men/boys that filled the house. I cultivated even more alone time when the testosterone levels got too high for me. What I have discovered is just how magnificent this three-year period has been for my self-discovery. I could not be on the path I'm on right now if I hadn't experienced it. I am so grateful for it all. I have fine-tuned my desires. I have wired myself to create more of the ease in life I know is mine. I feel the lushness of all that I haven't had: plush sheets/bedcovers/many pillows/ ample sleeping space and of course, so much more. Two bathrooms, for instance. Listening to music that fills me. Spiritual conversations that resonate with all parties. But mostly, what it really boils down to is something very, very simple. I choose love instead of fear. I choose love.

I wake in the morning grateful for the sweet room that's uncluttered, the living room where I can sit on a couch with nothing but a decorative pillow, a kitchen that has nothing but things necessary for food preparation, and a funny, loving dog. I am so grateful.

I love the neatness in the rooms, the stones, the plants, the crystals, and the charming ways in which they are displayed. I love the room to breathe, the ability to be myself and relax into that being.

I say all of this knowing and not knowing what is next. I know that whatever comes next is even better than what is now. I know that for certain. I feel it with everything that I am. For the first time in my life I can experience that being within me that's been aching to launch, the one who shines so brightly and fearlessly. I am homeward bound now. Still. I've always been homeward bound even when taking detour after detour. Each twist and turn created an opportunity for me to better know myself, and for that I am ever so grateful. These last three years were the most powerful, exciting, fun, and growing time of my life. I learned so much about me that I had not been willing to look at before, and now that I know myself better I choose better. I choose more. I choose to be in a community that has been waiting for me to show up. My tribe. My people. I know where they are, and that's where I'm heading. It's a place where my light will shine even brighter.

wish granted

I just finished looking at a friend's pictures on Facebook. There were pictures of her and her lovely husband at her brother's wedding, in Paris, partying with friends in her town, gatherings in her beautiful home, pictures of her husband and their animals, their backyard in bloom and harvesting vegetables, and so much more.

When I first met this woman I was drawn to her vitality for life. Even more than that though, I was drawn to her story. I paid attention to her words. I noticed how she deliberately focused on what she wanted and saw how it all came to pass. Her heart was open for new adventures with a new man in her life, traveling the world, learning new art techniques, exploring all possibilities with wonderful friends and family members. She is beautiful. She is talented. She loves with such an open heart and amazingly kind words, so it is no wonder that she drew into her life an exceptional partner with whom she has blossomed.

Since I don't live in her town anymore, I still get to see her life through Facebook pictures and posts. It's such an inspiration to me to see her life continue to get better and better. She's traveling all over the world delving into fine food, making new friends, exploring new territory, and discovering new ways for her to create art. I look at her pictures and feel the joy. I embrace it. I welcome it into my own life.

I have seen other friends in this town grow exponentially too since I left. They've attracted exceptional partners into their lives. They've created healthy incomes for themselves, and the lives I see them experience are so filled with joy.

They are my mirrors. I was with them a few months ago. Without even realizing it then, I soaked in their happiness, the carefree-ness that their soaring incomes allowed for them, and the mutually loving and respectful relationships they had developed since I saw them last. Those experiences with them altered my own desires in my life. I wanted more, and even then I was suppressing those desires. It wasn't until just a month ago that those longings came to the surface and spit me out of the situation I was in.

I truly thought I was happy, and I have to admit that I was happier than I had been in a while, but the longer the relationship the less joy I was feeling. Sure sign for me to notice, and I did. I felt trapped though. Where would I go? How would I do it? My own income was rising. I was finally making some decent money doing what I loved, but it was all going to my partner who was in charge of paying bills. I had been okay with giving him all my money until I realized he wasn't so happy allowing me to have full access to his. I felt the urgent pull inside me that told me that this situation was very uncomfortable. I worked all the time, and the money went into his account. Hm... good lesson for me to learn, and I learned it fast. I packed up and left when I realized that I was not experiencing the freedom I so desired.

What I discovered was that when it got uncomfortable enough I chose better for myself quickly. However, not quickly enough for the universe to not hit me upside the head with a cosmic 2 x 4. I still needed outside verification that the move out of that relationship was imperative if I wanted to have what I desired. A feisty young woman was sent to get in my face to tell me what I needed to do next. She didn't even know what she was doing or where the words came from but everything she said was exactly what I needed to hear to propel me forward.

Just days before that I got a "hit" (as I call it) from the universe. While meditating I was told who was going to be beneficial in my move forward. It truly struck me like a knock upside the head. I knew at that instant that my life had just shifted, and I better do something about it before the knock got a bit more tangible. When I didn't move fast enough, the feisty young woman stepped in. Two days later I was living in a different town, where I am now awaiting the rest of the puzzle pieces to connect so that the next leg of this journey can begin.

In the meantime I'm discovering more about myself. I'm learning what no longer works for me, and not only that but what I really want in my life and how good it feels to have it. Before I would have felt guilty or sinful to want this, but now that I've lived in austerity for three years, I know that guilt about wealth is false. This world is my playground. I create what I get to play in and with whom I get to play. I choose opulence. I choose luxury. I choose ease and grace. I choose to be of tremendous service to multitudes.

While staying here in a friend's house while she is away, I'm sifting through my experiences and collecting those memories I want to keep as inspirations for what I want next. Those moments of true joy and deep laughter are filed in the "to keep" folder. Those moments where I felt deep love and true connection stay on top of that folder. Everything else gets put into the folder labeled "learning experiences."

I've learned a lot. I treasure myself more. I believe in me. I step forward with greater confidence than I've ever had because I see what I've been through and who I've become because of it, and I am thrilled who has shown up as me. I love the friendships I've cultivated. I love the contrasting experiences I have opted out of choosing love, grace, and ease instead. Life does not have to be hard. I can live in an area that fills me instead of weighing me down. I can be who I know myself to be and feel uplifted and value in that.

On this first day of this new paradigm called 2014 I proclaim my new life as something I have deliberately created and am still creating with joyful focus and admiration for the universe for bending, twisting, and moving mountains to accommodate my every desire. I see how some things are coming together, and I am in awe of the magical unfolding. There is a lot I know nothing about and I relax into it. My new address is the unknown. It's where the miracles happen. I visualize my new life and bask in the revelry of all the greatness and utter bliss I feel. What lies ahead for me is the best life I've ever encountered filled with magnificent beings that I've waited lifetimes to be with and to work with in the mountains that I have always called home. I am excited in the anticipation of all my wishes being granted.